Ladies and gentlemen, Vancouverites, and daters of the modern world… the game has changed. This day was inevitable. We knew it was coming, but acted aloof to it’s reality. Yes, it’s true; Tinder has evolved. The future is here.
Tinder released an automatic upgrade to offer premium services beginning this week, in which Tinder Plus is the new way of swipes. Er, I mean, the new way of life! Yes. So what does this mean? What will happen to all of the Tinderellas, creepy fellas, and escort bots? Oh, the questions!
Well lets start off firstly by illustrating the main feature. The ability to swipe right. Inherently, this has become a way of life for all escort bots looking to expand clientele and of course, our ultimate favorite; the pervy Tinderfella. Now, instead of capitalizing on maximum victim collecting in a short period of time, the process is now more slow and strategic. You only have a certain amount of right swipes per day, and once you’ve tapped out, you will need to wait 12 entire hours to get more. In Tinder time, that’s eternity. With Tinder Plus, your right swipes are unlimited. But for those unwilling to pay, do you really want to right swipe Roberta and miss out on the opportunity to match and harass Lisa with fellatio proposals? And is Luke really worth passing up for Victor when clearly Luke has the better beard, and is over 6 ft tall? We need to really evaluate profiles now… Or just spend more time getting to know the matches we already have. There’s that option too. On the positive side, when you’re matched with someone now, just know that you were really worth that right swipe. How kind of them. Instant butterflies.
Another new feature is perfect for the forever alone kind, or the traveler type. If you are convinced your love doesn’t exist in your own city, or are planning to travel to a new city, you can now change locations and search for rejection and no frills sex in every region of the world! Hooray! I’ve always wondered how a Manhattan man would look next to my face in an active chat head. Now all my dreams can come true! And those trips to Vegas… just got way more exciting!
Aside from these clear life simplifying features, there is also a feature allowing you to rewind your previous swipe. Finally! If you accidentally left swipe a profile, because sometimes you’re just on a left swipe roll… you can now ERASE your choice by rewinding. It’s practically like a fucking time machine. OMG. Thank you Tinder gods! Sometimes when we left swipe a pretty or handsome face, it’s enough to ruin your day; and sometimes entire week. It’s like those romantic comedies where you forgot to get the cute girls number on the subway, so you run all over the city looking for her, and she’s always got a really simple name; like Jane. And you know what? You never find Jane. Not unless you make a billboard and maybe, just maybe she might see it and remember you. No more Craigslist missed connection boards here! Simply rewind button, and away you go. No regrets. Life. Made.
But perhaps the most ingenious new feature is the reasons for unmatching another user. It used to be simple; you would just click to unmatch. Now, we have choices. Choices like “offensive messages” for all you penis talking, dick pic sending types (PS- thank you Tinder for not yet enabling picture messaging) but never fear, “Bad offline behavior” is also an option. So think twice about blindsiding someone via text with your excess skin or you might be banished from the elusive world of Tinder. Truthfully, I have no idea how Tinder is even going to handle the reporting, but I’m sure everyone with the desire to share their beans and parts will find ways around it.
All jokes and sarcasm aside, it’s true… all these features are now a reality. And with any dating app that gains wild popularity, it will eventually come with a price tag. The idea is that people enjoy the service and what they get out of it, so they will pay to continue to use it in the way that they are comfortable. I have heard that the price of the app varies based on your age. Those above 30, will be charged $20 per month. Perhaps it’s just that I’m six weeks shy of 30, but my app tells me that I can have Tinder Plus for the cool price of $11.27 a month. I’m thinking this can also be worked around by a simple switch of birth year on Facebook. Just saying. Don’t shoot the messenger.
It’s no surprise that Tinder is a game changing, insanely popular and convenient way to meet new people; whatever your intentions are. I feel that my personal review of the list of features is that it may taper off the amount of abusers and will definitely reduce the escort bots. For the record, I only know about those because of my male friends who have shared their stories… Oh, and that one Fireman dickhead who thought I was one because I used the word “hun.” I think it also might make Tinder Plus members a more genuine crowd willing to pay to find companionship, whatever that definition of companionship may be.
And who knows, it may breed a different culture than Tinder is notorious for. Those actually looking to develop something real and genuine. Aww! Then again, maybe not. But it’s still fun!
It’s a match!