I try to live with a strong sense of respect for the people I encounter in my life. I understand that everyone is battling demons and a struggle that lingers and trickles into our future. At no point in time do I ever believe that ones struggle of past experiences gives anyone the right to treat people like an absolute piece of shit. If you have been following my blog, you know that I have been through my fair share and beyond of hurtful, exhausting, bizarre and confusing experiences; but this one takes the cake and as much as I wanted to hold a high respect for this person, he hasn’t done the same and so I’m ready to talk.
I met a man a few months ago whose dating profile describes a man looking for a true gem. A man who describes himself as intelligent, open minded, not looking to date for sport, a genuine gentlemen, a true romantic type who will challenge you and be there for you. This all seemed so promising especially after the initial way he courted me. This man invited me into his life in a real way; the first real way I have experienced since my last true relationship. I met his mother, he took me to family events, went on weekend trips with him, he gave me a toothbrush and even invited me to leave pajamas at his place. It felt amazing. I let my guards come falling down and I reciprocated his kindness with my genuine open heart and natural kind nature. This sentiment and adornment I was feeling was quickly jilted when he told me he was still using his dating apps (he is a member of 4) and yes, going on dates with other women (so much for not dating for sport.) One would think, and any woman in my position, that his actions and words would dictate his loyalty even without label. It is an awful taste to give to someone who is just genuinely looking for that special someone. I was kind, respectful and honest in the way that I felt. He describes his perfect woman as fun, kind, respectful, happy and a joy to be around. All of which I am and was with him at all times. I let him in.
As I mentioned before, I have anxiety. He unfortunately, has a stubborn inability to communicate; a problem he explained has been the main root of his drama in previous relationships. My anxiety causes for the need to communicate as an adult to prevent spiral and bottling up my emotions. I guess I’ve learned a lot in therapy about about the importance of communication for overall healthy living. When I learned about the other women, naturally I was deeply hurt. I bottled things up and he made several sarcastic and hurtful comments such as “I would prefer a blonde over you” and offering to help show me the tricks of the dating apps on my new phone. One day, I finally reached my boiling point and let out my frustration and feelings about how I was being treated. Naturally, he called me the crazy one and thus began the demise of something once promising; all because he genuinely did not give a flying fuck about my feelings as a fellow human being.
Things ended somewhat amicably. Basically, he said he didn’t see a future; even though two weeks prior, he took me furniture shopping and I helped him pick couches and talked about a trip to the Caribbean. My anxiety, an illness I never asked for which was jump-started by lack of respect and being completely lead on, was the reason he decided he could not be with me (so much for open minded.) He refused to communicate and ran from the first flaw he saw in the relationship. There was no room for compromise. He tried to tell me “everyone’s different” but in my opinion, this doesn’t give anyone justification to be hurtful, unfair and lead someone on. He told me in our face to face breakup, one he tried to complete with a text message the week before (rude!) that he was looking for a wife and it got me thinking. If we are all looking for that special someone, why is it that so many people only consider their own experience of it? What about the experience of the wife he’s looking for? It’s about her experience too. Like I said, relationship karma is a thing. Treat people the way you wish to be treated. I have reached out to try and end things peacefully and have a fresh start at friendship (also to get my belongings back); because I stubbornly see the good in people above the bad. Unfortunately this left room for more ignorance and silent treatment, for absolutely no fucking reason. I was mature, polite and even playful in the way I kindly made a peace offering to move forward. He read it, and didn’t respond. This is a 32 year old man.
People can’t just go around treating people with such disrespect and expect that their own individual struggle provides an excuse for it. The other person has had struggle too. Perpetuating that negative treatment forward isn’t healthy for anyone. Furthermore, communication is a detrimental key point in any lasting and loving relationship. This was a man who once joked that I was his fiancee and constantly got down on one knee with fake proposals. What a mind fuck indeed it is to sit here wondering what I did to deserve such cruel and unusual treatment from someone I was constantly kind too, just like he wanted in his profile. The thing about dating is this; some people date with selfish intent, and some people are like me, and consider the feelings and previous struggles of others. I knew he had been through a lot and I treated that information with special care. He knew my history and lived for himself anyways. That’s the reality of dating sometimes. The thing is this; the way people treat you isn’t a testament of who you are or what you’re worth as a person, but more of a reflection of who they are. I was my normal self with him. I had no hidden agenda. I just genuinely wanted to build upon the great times and connection we had. Instead, I’ve been left with ignorance, disrespect, confusion and trying to solve the riddle of why I’m back here. Enough is fucking enough. If people can’t go online and at least have respect for the people they court, introduce to family, make false hopes for and generally lead on, then we are absolutely doomed as a society. This is not the way to behave people and I genuinely hope that he realizes the error in his ways and learns how to better treat people going forward. As for myself, I just bled my pain through my writing and now I’m done. The truth sometimes hurts but it’s better to put it out there than to bottle it up inside. If I am supposed to be okay and understanding of another persons personality and selfish treatment of others, then I hope everyone can understand that I am a writer and a blogger who blogs about my experiences. Dating at this age to me is not a game and I don’t believe in playing people or behaving in selfish manner to get what I want. What I want is a partner in life. A partner in crime. Someone who respects me genuinely and I, in return will respect. Online dating has ruined that traditional sense of relationship value.
I tried to be the bigger person but this was just downright hurtful. He was not nice to me. But at the end of the day, and many others like myself, I’m a strong enough person to know right from wrong and to stand up for myself and what I believe in. As the quote says “if people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”