Dating blogger: the struggle is real

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My blog has been the subject of some apparently intense debate since my last posting. While some of these conversations were had behind my back, I was delighted to hear the feedback from friends and supporters to my face. Last night I was having drinks with friends and explaining the state of my current non-dramatic life happenings and the journey of this blog and its direction. One of the things she said to me was that the reason she and everyone love this blog, and others like it is because people are mostly afraid to put things out there, and I am not. I am raw, real and relatable. She said I am different from most women in the way that I think; so I pondered this.

As humans, we go through these intense and frustrating life struggles and we search for answers and meaning in each event. When we confide in friends who have not been through something similar, the struggle becomes all the more real. With nothing but coupled friends surrounding me after my last relationship, it was hard to divulge my experiences with the reciprocation of actual understanding. The older we get, the harder dating becomes and with stories like mine and many others to let you know that you are not alone in your experiences, it allows people to feel united. What I write about is my reality. It may not be yours and you may hate the topics and situations I reveal, but they are my life and it may seem sad and pathetic that I put it out there in broad daylight but I do it because I’m not afraid to tell it like it is. We avoid reality but without proper understanding of real life situations from all walks of life, how are you ever supposed to grow as a person and develop a level of compassion and honesty in your own endeavors? It’s like the 6 o’clock news. Just because you avoid it doesn’t make it any less real to those being affected. Exposure and uncomfortable conversations need to be had sometimes to develop a weighted opinion.

It may seem like I have nothing happy to write about, but there have been and continue to be happy things happening in my life. The truth is that people yearn to feel understood when they are in pain but when people are happy, they don’t tend to seek advice or strategies to further amplify their happiness. It’s when we hurt that we reach out. The expectation is that when we date, we set out on a search until we root ourselves into another person’s life and we live happy ever after right? Wrong. That is not reality for most people. Some people, self-included, have to suffer and struggle more than others before we reap the rewards. We have to go out on bad dates, see pictures of penises, and have someone treat us like absolute crap over and over again. Some people might suffer physically and some of us ride one emotional roller coaster after another like some sadistic clown theme park that never seems to open the exit gates and we do this because after a while, we become stronger. The ride becomes less scary and the sharp twists around the bends become predictable and therefore we are prepared to take them. It’s also because of this ride that we truly appreciate the great things and people that come along.

Some people may look at what I share here and think “poor girl” or pathetically gaze at me in passing because I don’t have a date when I attend a wedding or other dominantly coupled events and gatherings but if it weren’t for these situations I have constantly been through, I wouldn’t be this woman I am now. I wouldn’t know how to be my complete self and be happy with it or treat people with absolute respect and how to appreciate people for who they are rather than what society dictates the perfect mate to consist of. I would be needy and materialistic waiting for a white knight on a white horse to whisk me away into a fairy tale castle because I can no longer walk in my Christian Louboutins. I would be insecure and probably in a relationship with more conflict than I desire. I feel good about what I communicate here because of the kinds of conversations I had last night when people tell me they admire my ability to be a real person and share my embarrassing and uncomfortable stories. It’s not easy and sometimes even as a writer, I struggle to get the words out. Do I want to keep experiencing this? Of course not. It’s not like I purposely set out to date these catastrophes. It’s an exhausting process, it hurts and this blog is what keeps my sanity. The only thing I can say in regards to these remarks made about me, my blog and how it relates to my character is that as soon as I started accepting reality and humorously sharing it with everyone while absorbing and conveying a positive lesson, my life got better. I got better. To me, the opinions of others won’t change or discourage what I’ve gained.

Life gets better when you focus on reality and appreciate it for what it is.

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Tinderella gone wild

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Online dating can be a vicious place for innocence. You can try to go on with the right intentions and profile description in attempts to repel the kind of advances you don’t want, but even still, women find themselves flabbergasted with perverse messages that can make one question why they seem to be giving off the “ready for the taking” vibe. The viral Straightwhiteboystexting Tumblr page explodes with the reality of how men treat women online. It’s becoming rather predictable. You can be sweet as a Georgia peach with a picture of you singing gospel songs in church and still receive unwanted dick pictures and blow job requests. I decided to do a social experiment with the men on Tinder by reversing the roles after a message I received last week left me bewildered. My profile says explicitly, “No hookups, sorry!” and yet one guy messaged me and before even a “Hi, how are you?” was exchanged, he asked if I would have sex with him. There was even mention of “making me squirt.” I can’t even make this stuff up anymore…

So I wondered… what would it be like if a seemingly normal woman like myself went online and began sending the most over the top and perverted messages to every assumed nice and normal guy I could find. I started this experiment and while the interactions were unexpectedly hilarious, there was a moral lesson I wanted to settle but before I discuss that, let’s see how the victims behaved…

This out of town business guy who likes mayonnaise…

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This lawyer who was sitting in a deposition and was okay with my picnic condiment fetish…

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My vanilla Danny Tanner stand in… 20140803-142713-52033029.jpg

This guy who was willing to play “hot wheels” with me…

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This guy wanting to know my location after I mentioned my “vagina fireworks”…

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Any terms and condition guy…

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This guy who didn’t even flinch at ruffling my feathers…

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This guy who I offered my “beaver salad” to…

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This “red wings” fan…

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These guys willing to impregnate me…

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And the guys I said one word to and were willing to meet…

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It’s no question that dudes need to calm the fuck down with the insanely rude and disrespectful sex messages but the irony of their way of communication is that if the roles were reversed, men are far too easy to convince which begs the question, what is happening to men today that they don’t appreciate nor seek well behaved women? Some of my opening lines to these guys were literally “yup, you’ll do” and they were still on board with everything I requested. Men don’t really seem to care if you make them feel cheap and meaningless sexually. In fact, even the nicest of men welcome it with open arms. We’ve got a world of sexual exploitation where a woman will share videos and campaigns of feminism and stand up against cat-calling while at the same time, calling themselves a #badbitch and flaunting their cleavage on their Instagram account. We are not even united in our own gender and that is precisely the reason men are able to get away with this behaviour online. It’s all a numbers game. For every 100 unprecedented requests for sex they send, one woman will agree. Meanwhile, the other 99 women are left emotionally frustrated by this constant belittlement of self worth.

I came clean to all of my subjects when things were going too far, except for the mayonnaise guy who waited in a hotel lobby for me, because who in the fuck actually agrees to sex with mayo and a rubber chicken? I figured I would let him have that “I’m an idiot” moment alone when I pulled a no show (ha!) When I told the men what I was doing and why I was doing it, it started some very interesting conversations. I discovered that even though they were initially willing to participate in my bizarre fantasies, they were actually mostly all nice guys. They actually really respected what I was doing and were surprised to hear how many perverse messages women actually receive online. A lot of them actually asked me out for drinks and wanted to know more about my online dating experiences, this blog and wanted to share their own experiences with me. That lead me to a local Browns Socialhouse where I sat and chatted with Marlon, a guy whom I convinced to wear women’s lingerie.

I asked Marlon why he thought so many guys go online for sex and why men are so easily convinced to have meaningless, one-time and sometimes ridiculous kinky sex with a complete stranger. The answer was simple. Because it’s easy. What he said next gave me hope. He also said that many of his friends were into the non-committal just “banging chicks” lifestyle but what these dudes fail to realize is that when you constantly have these one night and often vanilla sex encounters, even if it’s with a different person each time, it still has the same probability of getting as boring as the relationships they seem to be afraid to have. When you have sex with someone only once, almost always (unless she’s a freak) the woman is going to have reservations about what she will let you do with her. When you are in a relationship with one person and you begin to get more and more comfortable with them over time, your sex life will also grow to new levels. Oh, and of course there’s also that happy emotion called love that makes it even better.

So in conclusion, although we may get those unwanted perverse messages from men, we need to understand that those messages, and these numbers games are all part of the process. The reality is that all men can and will be baited and interested in sex whether they are a truly genuinely nice guy or not. Society is not going to change this behaviour unless 100% of women say no to these advances, but there is always going to be that one woman, whether we like it or not and so this cycle will always continue. The flip side is that for every 100 men making advances at women online, perhaps like the one willing woman, one of those men is willing to get to know who we are and what we have to offer beyond sexuality. So maybe there’s no point in getting angry or upset at a manner challenged person who doesn’t open interaction with respect. Maybe we should thank them for weeding themselves out early on to avoid wasting more time.

What is the most perverse message you’ve ever received from someone online? Questions and comments welcome!

As always, NEXT!