Emotional vacations

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In my last entry, I wrote about the fact that men fresh out of relationships seem to gravitate towards me like a gangly baby deer just learning how to frolic in the forest. Unfortunately afterwards, I had a similar experience yet again. What most people say about me is that I am very kind and welcoming to all people without judgement or stereotype. When it comes to dating, apparently I am too nice. Because of this, the men I meet after their heart was oh-so-tortured by the “cray-cray bitch” before me tend to lean on me, sweep me off my feet and then pull the rug from under me. After my last posting, I reconnected with a man on Tinder who I went to high school with and apparently had liked me since the 9th grade and is now mid divorce with a child. Number one: I have never dated a man with a child, but again, I don’t judge and so I made a cautious exception because I am nearly 30 and this is a reality now. Number two: he was quite insistent and quite taken with me and I think still in shock that he had found me after what he explained to be years of “always wanting to ask me out” Pre marriage of course. We’re talking 7 am good morning texts saying I am as beautiful as the day and number three: I warned him about my dealings with freshly wounded men and told him I wouldn’t even date him if he wasn’t open to allowing things to progress as needed in a healthy timeframe. I don’t want to be in a serious relationship tomorrow, but also I don’t want to waste my time. He even read my last blog and we had a good discussion about it so he knew where I was coming from just as I of him.

He assured me that he wouldn’t lead me on, and after he met all my coworkers and enjoyed a lovely day boating with my best friends and me, he pulled the plug citing what they all say, that he is “confused and doesn’t know what he wants.” Before you make assumptions, I will note, we did not sleep together or anything even remotely close to it, so it’s not a case of giving it up too early. I learned that lesson long ago. Then he started to continue with the excuses and brought his daughter into it saying he needed to focus on her which I understand, but had nothing to do with the issue at hand. So I said to him something that all men need to grasp, especially ones that are already parents. I am someone’s daughter too. I told him he should treat women the way he wanted her to be treated and that his karma would be wiping her tears one day when someone leads her on the same way. I am not sure how much more upfront I can be with men. I told him honestly… I have no interest of getting involved with anyone who was only interested in an emotional vacation. I am not an escape from your wounded heart. I have a heart of my own, thanks.

And then it dawned on me. So many men online are reeling from their last relationship and the level of honesty provided is not genuine. I am genuine in my intentions. I am upfront and honest in such a way that I know that it will repel interest, but I do this because I have no interest in a series of one to three month courtships. I want something that has potential to grow. I want a best friend and a partner in crime, not a temporary tenant in my life. I am not the Marriot. If you have a problem with this, please precede to the nearest exit sign. Sorry, but not sorry.

I realize that a lot of people need to dip their feet back into the dating pool to familiarize themselves once again with the acts of dating and there is nothing wrong with that however, do it with someone else going through the same motions, or hell; get a hooker if you need to. If meaningless sex is your primary agenda to mend your broken spirit from the girl who took everything including the shower curtain rings, then please search for that but please stop dating the nice girl who has been single for a longer period of time.

Everyone goes through that time period where they are ailing from a previous unpleasant ending to a relationship that was once full of love, but sometimes shit doesn’t work out and when it doesn’t, it’s important that take the necessary time-out’s to bridge the gap between our last relationship and our future endeavors. Many people will argue saying they met their current spouse immediately following a blow-out but these situations become more rare the older we get and that is because the magnitude of the fallout of a serious adult relationship is much harder due to the fact that these relationships of ours have evolved deeper. Now, on top of banished feelings we also have the discomfort of selling real estate, dealing with divorce lawyers and sometimes even time-sharing children. This is all very difficult and I know what kind of emotional detachment this can bring but mixing someone else into that state of mind is not only wrong, it’s downright selfish. Sometimes, online dating is not the place to be for new singles; sometimes, the better place to be is a therapist’s office.

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Open letter to the single men I meet

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Sometimes it’s good to speak from the heart and experience of the challenges you face in life. For me, the hardest chapter of my life has to be exactly this. This blog, this journey, these experiences have without a doubt strengthened nearly every aspect of my character and made me into a much better woman but I would be lying if I said that this journey hasn’t been an emotional roller coaster that has at times crippled my optimism, despite my overall witty outlook on it which I have documented here.

With a never ending viral circuit of YouTube videos like “How to get a boyfriend in Vancouver” and websites labeled “Straight white boys texting” documenting the pitfalls of online and offline dating not just in this city, but everywhere, it’s hard not to ask the question of what the fuck exactly is happening out here? It’s not just me who is experiencing these lows, it’s many women and despite men constantly labelling women as the crazy ones, we are now seeing, thanks to the internet, that women deal with a fuck ton from men when it comes to dating. Although I have shared with you many of the over the top sit com worthy bachelor experiences here, there is much I have left out, so it’s time for an open letter to all the types of men I have met on this journey.

To the dudes who send me dick pictures:

It’s really nice when I begin chatting with you, but this only lasts for about 17 syllables until you send me a throbbing picture of your dick in attempts to swoon me. It is so forward that it only takes a short poem to accurately describe the scenario, one which of course I absolutely wrote for this occasion:

Dick Pic Haiku:

Hey sexy what’s up?

Hey not much, what about you?

Just my dick baby

(Insert dick picture)

I’m really not sure how you got the idea that sending these pics makes women want to jump in their car and come ride you, but seriously most of us (respectable) women are not only appalled by your vulgar approach, but we also think your picture is ugly. If it’s not a dick picture, it’s direct sex talk right away. Women of quality do not want to talk about sex, blow jobs or your penis before the first date. Hell, I don’t even want to talk about it at all. Women deal with this all the time in the dating world so it’s no wonder that we become jaded with regards to sex and promiscuity. This constant exposure will go one of two ways; either the woman will succumb to and accept that all men want this and become a trollop themselves or they will actually scale back a huge amount on their sexual desires. I have gone the ladder direction. Stop fucking sending dick pictures and stop talking about sex right away. Man up and be different. We are sick of your shit.

To the serial daters:

Tinder makes it so, so easy for men to think they are Rico Suave. I went on a date with a guy a few weeks ago who I met through a friend. He was also using Tinder though I did not know it at the time. We had this awesome time together, and he straight up ignored my messages the next day (no, I did not sleep with him!) I later found out that the night before meeting me, he went on a Tinder date in which he screwed the girl on the first night. Classy. So now bro thinks he’s Casanova and is dating up a storm, hitting up a new Tinderella several nights a week. Being single in this era is nothing but mixed signals and confusion. No one communicates maturely. If you don’t feel a connection after a date, you ignore the person instead of being a decent human and admitting the chemistry just isn’t there. I remember one date I went on a couple years ago with a man I met on eHarmony. We got along, but there was zero sparks. He texted me after and thanked me for the date and said if I ever wanted to go for a friendly bike ride, to let him know and it was nice to meet me! It was polite, mature and explained tactfully that we weren’t a match. Nowadays, instead of focusing on one person at a time, we book multiple dates a week and blatantly ignore people after leading them to believe we are interested. Call me old fashioned but I still believe that a person deserves the courtesy of being given a solid chance and if I don’t feel that we are on the same page, I will come right out and say it and move forward in my search. Please stop the bad dating manners. If you want to be a serial dater and play the field, please be upfront with us so we can decide if we want that because truthfully, a lot of women don’t so please stop wasting our time. I’m approaching my thirties. We are either going to do this thing or not do this thing, but let me know because I have shit to do.

To the “not ready” guys:

Okay, so this subject for me is literally starting to feel like my legacy. I am a magnet for freshly wounded men. They practically gravitate towards my good and strong nature. I get that you have been through a ton, but guess what? So have I. We all have a story and a past and the colliding of our worlds in your vulnerable state when I know what I want is not only time wasting, but it is exhausting; so emotionally exhausting. I get that you need to “get out there” but please don’t do it with the nice girl who has been single for a while because chances are, she does not want to be your rebound or blue ball healer. Just as you deserve to re-align the pieces of your heart, I deserve to be someone’s first choice and receive as great of a beginning and experience as the person who broke you. Understand that not all women are as bad as the woman you were just with and understand that many of us single women using online dating tools are genuinely looking for a real connection with someone. Despite stories you have heard from your pals that “this site will get you laid” not every woman wants a short term courtship; I certainly don’t want that nor do I search for it. I see many women settling for less than they want such as FWB relationships only, non-committal men and many of us just put up with this because being with someone part time is better than not being with anyone at all but this is very unfair. Being a woman is hard especially when dating. We have to dance around subjects in fear of scaring men away and not act on true desires because if we do, we get labels like “easy” and “whore” yet men are the ones who usually challenge us with these situations because they impose the desire on us to begin with. Not only is this exhausting, it is extremely debilitating. If you are not ready to date with good intentions, please don’t date at all.

Women and men in this world of dating lack a huge amount of respect towards one another and even though I know that no amount of blog entries, YouTube videos or websites will change this never-ending downward spiralling dynamic, I can at least do my part in asking for what I want and being true to myself. What I want you to know, men that I meet, is that when I first encounter you, my mind is open. I respect you and appreciate the person you are until you give me reason not to. When you send me indecent pictures, play with my emotions for your own emotional growth and view me as an object rather than a person, it takes its toll on me. I’m not asking for a forever commitment, I’m just asking that people respect each other more on this journey and be a little more human. Where did we lose our courtesy and respect towards one another? Why is it so hard to consider how what we do impacts someone else? Even though I know that my experiences have made me this truly strong woman I am constantly told I am, at the end of the day, I am still human so please be as kind and decent towards me as I am to you.