Bat shit crazies


So I was on a bit of a dating hiatus for a while… and when I came out of that hiatus, I ended up falling for a guy who has served most of the past decade in prison so not surprisingly after that, I felt a bit jaded. People keep saying to me “I can’t believe the luck you have!” and it’s true… my dating life for the past three years has been a compilation of gentlemen suitors ranging from seemingly normal to complete wing nut; the majority of those being wing nuts. It’s literally a sitcom that never ends.

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.”

This is what dating in Vancouver is really like. Let’s begin, shall we?

So unfortunately the verdict is out. Online is the place to be dating in this day and age. You can take your chances in the real world, and hey, maybe it will work for you, but the new “real world” is a little portal on your PC or smartphone and it’s full of the unexpected (trust me, I know) Having had way too many bizarre and freighting encounters on Plenty of Fish, I’ve axed that portal to the black hole permanently. I’ve decided to give Tinder and a fighting chance, since majority of singles tend to source these main apps. So I’m a few days in and I’ve got a lot going on. It’s literally like speed dating with my iPhone. I’m chatting with a lot of great people but before there can be great, first come the weird, psycho and perverted.

The first dude to show his colorful and seemingly bitter resentment towards women is a firefighter (AKA, every woman’s fantasy). He messages me a casual opener, and I respond. It’s near the end of the workday and Friday. I have a girlfriend coming over so I am rushing from the office and preparing for my guest and my girls night out. A few hours go by and finally I had a chance to check my messages. There are three from him. One telling me he’s sleepy, another asking me what I do for work and since those went un-responded (because I was busy and engaged in other things and not attached to my phone) the next one reads “good talk lol”. Holy crap dude, it’s been 3 hours… calm your tits. At this point, I’m feeling a bit like he doesn’t deserve a response, but I’m too nice and think “aw, maybe he’s just having a bad, lonely day” and so I respond. I use the term “Hun” a lot. I use it with friends all the time, men and women. I was a waitress and bartender for a few years so often I use a term of endearment to avoid coming across stone cold. Anyways, he says “oh, you’re the Hun girls?” to which I ask what he means by that (because, WTF?). Then he starts telling me that it’s what all the escorts say (LOL!) so I stopped responding. Unfortunately, he wasn’t done talking. Firefighter dickhead then asks if we can talk on the phone. I like to be honest and upfront with people. If I’m not feeling it, you will know and so in the politest way possible, I told him I was not interested and that I found what he said to not be very polite, wished him luck and a good night. It was honest and sincere. He then called me a psycho (LOL! x2)

The next guy (like many guys) started talking about sex. Not sure what it is with soooo many dudes and the need to bring up blow jobs and penetration so soon and even before a face to face meeting but these chats make me feel uncomfortable (even though apparently I speak escort) so I was honest and said this talk makes me feel uncomfortable… then he asks what I’m doing that night. I was blunt. I told him I was going on a date with a guy who didn’t talk about blow jobs… and then he told me to “have fun sucking him off” Really mature.

So firstly, you know how men are always saying women are crazy? The proof is in the pudding fellas. Sometimes, it’s you that is bat shit crazy. Politely declining your advances after you said something offensive to me is not “psycho” it’s called life. You win some, and you lose some. Perhaps your “you sound like an escort” line will work on someone else, but no thank you from me, bro. Secondly, what is up with the need to talk about sex so much? What women (besides the Tinder escorts) are actually responding to your dick pictures and blow job skill inquiries that make 80% of you think it’s ay-okay to throw out the penis talk before we’ve even had a coffee. Furthermore, my profile says “No hookups, sorry!” so fuck off and make your own sandwich.

All in all, when all is said and done, encountering these dating challenged men can be a good thing. I like to look at the positives. For every few complete morons, there is a good apple. Those men don’t get written about… and for the ones who forget that there’s a brain enclosed in the pretty head sitting above my brassiere, well those ones are the ones we get to laugh at here, on singlevancouver.

Yes folks, this is what dating is really like.