Tinder, Tinderella’s and more online dating

20131121-140201.jpg

A couple months ago, I was introduced to yet another online dating portal called Tinder by a friend who met her boyfriend on the convenient smart phone app. The concept of Tinder is controversial as one might think it is a shallow app. How it works is the app links to your Facebook profile and uses GPS location detection to give you options of men and women in your area. If you have mutual Facebook friends, it will show these details too which for some, adds a little comfort in the initial get-to-know-you phase. Once you’ve set up your profile, which consists of up to 5 photos and a one line write up, if you so chose (which most don’t) you can get to swiping. Yes, swiping. The app sort of reminds me of Hot or not; it’s where singles go to be judged. You see a photo, you click “Yes” or “No” and you hope for the best. If you have a mutual like, then the gates are open and you are able to chat through the app.

As far as any dating site or app goes, I’m always willing to give it a try, and so I did. Because of the mutual like feature, which is based solely on initial attraction through photos, it at least eliminates all of the creeps I’m used to meeting on other sites. Basically, you only engage in conversations with those you like, and you don’t get those awkward follow up messages when you don’t respond to a message, saying things like “what, you don’t like what you see?” I tried the app out for a while but mostly I used it when I was bored and wanted to see what kind of men were available near me. The one thing that deterred me was the fact that you really don’t know what another person is looking for because there is no dating profile as traditional online dating sites offer, and as a result I got a lot of invites to hook up only (I’m beginning to think Vancouver men are sex addicts) Nevertheless, I politely declined those invitations.

I’ve been doing the online dating thing for nearly two years. I’ve tried a total of 6 sites including apps and pay sites. The process is much the same across all platforms and quite frankly, a little redundant. You read a profile and get a sense of who the person is and if you like what you read and see, you pursue further. The one major pro about Tinder to me, was that it provides a more traditional dating forum that allows for that mystery to build, instead of offering most of the details of your life up front. Sometimes chemistry is king above being matched with someone with the same interests, so I have cashed in my tokens of experience and disconnected from the online world. To my surprise, days later, I got a date the old fashioned way; by giving out my phone number on a late sunny Sunday morning to a complete stranger whom I had a great face to face chat with. Instead of the usual text message, he made a proper phone call and made a date with me for this Friday night and is actually picking me up, which is a nice change from meeting people from online at a “safe, mutual” place. Oh, and he’s a total babe so that a nice bonus 🙂

Overall my online dating experiences weren’t completely terrible, but I feel as if because of all the choices and constant flow of chatting and dating, people online keep their options open for much longer, which would explain why sites like Match.com and eHarmony offer memberships in yearly increments. It also explains why so many men are waiting much longer to commit, with a catalog of options in the palm of their hands. There are a lot of great people out there who are not online dating, and are still open to dating the old fashioned way so online dating isn’t necessarily the only option, it’s just an immediate solution if you are seeking some type of companionship. To me, the idea of online dating is to start the process of dating in attempts to find one person to have a relationship with however those lines are now blurred with so many people using these sites and apps as gateways for casual sex and non committal dating, which is unfortunate for people like me with a more genuine intent. Getting a person you are dating to disable their dating profile is the new marriage. So basically, I’ve decided online dating isn’t working out for me… and even if the process of dating slows by taking my chances on physical land, I’m happier doing it.

Next!

Tinder Review by Andrea Wesley and Susan Mccord

Advertisements

A single view on marriage

20131118-094102.jpg

I’ve read a couple articles recently pertaining to marriage and commitment and how our society has modernly interpreted the traditional sacrament of committing ones self ‘till death to us part. Both were brilliantly written articles (which I will post links to at the end of this entry) but both were written from the view of being in a committed relationship or marriage. What about the single persons view on marriage?

A trend I have noticed is that men from their late twenties ranging well into their thirties and beyond state “Casual dating/No Commitment” or “Looking to date but nothing serious” in their profiles. This is consistent among a large scale of men online and it’s not much different offline. Men who are serious about commitment and marriage are few and far between. Women on the other hand, well; we’re still women who want all that jazz. According to census Canada and for the first time, single person households outnumber the amount of coupled households with children, and there are also a growing number of common law couples as opposed to married households.

So what is it exactly that has the new and upcoming generation taking their sweet time and sometimes ruling out entirely the option of the traditional sacrament of committing ones self ‘till death to us part? Simple; the D. Not the good kind, the divorce kind. Due to the increasing numbers of witness and victims of the new and expensive way to break up, people are being far more cautious before making that extra large investment, and no, I’m not talking about the purchase of the diamond ring.

A popular meme on the subject reads “Marriage is betting half your shit that you will love them forever.” It’s pretty disappointing that this is how society views something that used to be an act of loving someone and wanting to share a life with them and someone you can envision fathering/mothering your children. Marriage is not what it used to be, and getting married for the wrong reasons combined with not spending enough time getting to know the person is contributing to this new age collapse of vows that were supposed to mean forever, and not “until I can’t stand you anymore and lawyer-up.” In our grandparent’s generation, divorce wasn’t really an option. If you had quarrels, you resolved that shit like adults and made it better to live up to those vows. The problem isn’t marriage itself; it’s how we view marriage and the new age reasons for getting married that’s the real problem here.

Social media coupled with wedding show marathons on TLC has been a big game changer in this regard. Imagine being a single dude seeing Facebook feeds flooded with women posting and boasting about their perfect ring, finding the perfect dress, and bitching and moaning about the wedding details and how they were unable to get their centre pieces in their perfect shade of lilac. This is about as exciting as jock itch to a man. Not only this, but many people know at least one young person who has gone through, or is going through a divorce. I have friends that have been through it and for the most part, it’s an ugly process. So here we are at another divide among the sexes that we don’t even realize is influencing future life decisions that may have once been something we believed in. Over exposure through social media and courtroom horror stories has crippled the true reasons that two people should want to commit to a life together.

As a single person who used to be a serial monogamist, I can tell you that seeing marriage and the process leading up to it from a single perspective has shifted my opinions in a major way. It makes me feel as if I was supposed to go through this long stretch of being single so that in my next relationship, I will appreciate it for genuine reasons. There is such a strong sense of entitlement in society in which we carry through every interaction from being consumers to with our spouses and family members. “I deserve, I want, I need” and so on. To me, it’s not about the size of the diamond, the perfect Vancouver hotel venue, or whether or not my proposal is filmed and uploaded to Youtube. To me, it’s about sharing (key word) my life with the right person for me; not my wallet, not my social reputation, but the right person for the core person I am. When the person and the *reasons* are right, the rest should be history, and by history I mean one in the making, not as in “History, Sayonara, See ya later!” in divorce court.

Links: #engaged, written by Nicki Lamont ( http://convergemagazine.com/engaged-8944/ ) and the second is called “Marriage Isn’t for You” written by Seth Adam Smith ( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/seth-adam-smith/marriage-isnt-for-you_b_4209837.html )

Clingers and Dicks

20131111-083147.jpg

Men have a lot of complaints about women being crazy, at least that’s the internet trend but I have identified a disturbing trend that occurs among many men in the online world.

I met a man the other day who seemed very normal at first. He has a good job, his own place, and seemingly good morals, so I agreed to talk on the phone. We talked for almost three hours. Truth be told, I was getting a weird vibe about an hour in, but I just figured he was chatty and nervous. Eventually he says to me “I sent you a picture, it will be there in a minute” so I wait, and then I check it out…

It was a picture of his flaccid penis! There it was, a fleshy dick picture staring up at me from my iPhone. The only thing I could muster up saying from the sheer horror and shock was “why the fuck would you send me that?” and then told him not to send anymore. Did he listen? Nope, he “accidentally” sent another one two hours later, it was apparently supposed to be of his dog. Yeah, right buddy.

Here we are having a completely PG rated phone chat, and this guy feels the need to send me a picture of his boner for absolutely no reason. So at this point, I found an excuse to get off the phone in a polite way because quite frankly, this guy was scaring me for more than one reason. That’s when he started sending more creepy shit to my phone.

On top of the dick pictures, he started sending me links to YouTube marriage proposals and told me he was falling in love with me. Dude, we haven’t even had dinner yet! Calm the fuck down! Then he turned into a stage 5 clinger and blew up my phone despite my radio silence in return. I managed to let him down in a polite way the following morning, and by polite, I mean that I flat out said he scared the shit out of me and it wasn’t going to work. Thankfully that was the end of it, but it did spark this blog entry.

I had a couple friends over after a long day of work yesterday and told them about it. Apparently this sort of thing is actually quite common. A few years ago, as a test, her and her then boyfriend placed an ad on Craigslist looking for a date. When I say date, I mean they posted a PG dating ad with the intent of finding a relationship. They did receive genuine responses, but not before receiving over a dozen dick pictures first. For every one genuine response, there were 15 dicks before it, which proves a point that in order to find love, you have to go through a bunch of dicks first, pun intended.

So what is it fellas? Why do you feel the need to send your dicks to perfect strangers? Are you showing it off, like a monkey? I don’t get it, and I don’t want it on my phone. What happened to leaving a bit of mystery and where the hell did romance go? I’m definitely more the flowers and bubble bath type, I certainly don’t give off the “send me a picture of your penis” vibe.

So in conclusion, and as advice for all the men out there online dating, unless you are straight up looking for a hook up and are talking to someone on that same wavelength, save the penis pictures for yourselves, you dicks! Ha ha!

Next!!!!!

20131111-083205.jpg

20131111-083228.jpg

The dating cycle

20131109-192052.jpg

Dating is a constant cycle. It’s a cycle of dating people who are wrong for us, people who are right for us at the wrong time, and learning more certainty about what it is you want out of the experience, and sometimes even the wrong people at the right time which eventually puts us back out here on the market again. Eventually the right person at the right time will happen if you want it to. Everyone has a different intent in the dating world. Some people just want to have fun, some people are new to the city looking to make new connections, some just want sex and then there are those like myself who have a more certain intent to find someone special to share those special life moments with.

I’ve rejoined the world of online dating and at only 6 weeks in with two dating apps on hand, one being the new and more popular Tinder app, I’m noticing more of the various intents among different single people. A recent experience which I won’t go into detail about left a positive taste in my mouth and made me look at things from a different perspective. Instead of looking at something that failed as a negative and being bummed out about it, why not see the opportunity of being closer to the right things? I know, I know, it’s pretty cliche, but I’m fairly certain there are a lot of single people out there racking their brains and wondering exactly why the hell they deserve disappointment after disappointment with no light in sight.

Case in point, this blog. Why did I start it? What is the purpose of it? Well aside from wanting to share my experiences with those who are struggling to comprehend their lack of relationship status and letting them know they’re not alone, infusing my journey with humor, truth be told it wasn’t always that way for me. Last year I was dating a man who I really liked. Things were going amazing when a health issue I was dealing with reared it’s ugly head. I was battling some hard demons and he literally walked out on me in the middle of it, 3 days after meeting my family. He actually called a friend of mine and told him to “come and deal with me” because he couldn’t. Needless to say I was hurt, but mostly I was pissed off. I didn’t want to date anymore and I convinced myself that I was the problem. This went on for a few weeks until I realized something very important. It wasn’t me, and it wasn’t even him. It was the differences we had as individuals that broke us up, the same way that the differences I have experienced on my many dates since hasn’t progressed to a relationship. Am I worried? Naw. Not even close. I’m actually happy. I’m happy single, and that’s the first step. This blog is not only to share my insight based on my own experiences. It’s also where I take salvation in a healthy way instead of crying into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s (truthfully, I’ve never actually done that ha ha)

So how does one navigate themselves through all of the different people with different dating styles and intent? It’s simple, you put out there what you want. If it doesn’t match up, oh well! That’s the cycle. You have fun, you meet new and sometimes great people, and you learn for more certain what it is that YOU want. Don’t put on any masks, don’t modify your intent to appease someone else, just be yourself and the right things will happen. In the meantime, enjoy the hayride 😉

Next!