One thing I’m truly grateful for is my male friends. I’m a beer drinking, sports loving woman so being “one of the boys” has given me great access to “locker room talk”.
I’ve heard the stories and it’s almost poetic at how routinely the conclusion of a budding relationship results from classic female neurosis. One of my friends, who shall remain nameless has recently started dating a new girl. He was absolutely smitten with her at the beginning and things progressed quite quickly despite the original desire to “take things slow”. Needless to say, they had sex fairly early and now she’s projecting so far into the future it’s freaking him out. Blame oxytocin (the hormone released during sex) for this marvelous little behavioral twist if you will but to me, it’s simple; we need to slow down! We live in fast times where communication is instant, food is fast, transportation is simple and quick and therefore we believe that everything else should be “fast and simple”. When it comes to dating, this is the wrong way to think. Very, very wrong.
I’ve read hundreds, if not thousands of dating articles over the years outlining the way you should act, dress, play and live for the sake of a relationship. It’s absolutely exhausting absorbing the idea that dating should be staged as if it’s a synchronized event. Dates 1-3 should be “this” and dates 4-7 you should be “here” and on dates 8-14 you should be having “these conversations” blah blah, fucking blah! This, to me is where dating becomes so flawed in its process, it’s because everyone has this idea in their heads about how it *should* be instead of enjoying it for what it is.
Women are the worst for this. We are the worst over-thinkers on the planet aside from perhaps, an astrophysicist. We think “he slept with me, so now I should be his girlfriend, right?” Wrong again, but we feel this way because of either a past experience that hurt us, or because some Cosmo columnist said that the “experts” agreed.
Why does no one go with the flow anymore? Years and years of my life have been wasted on expectations that stemmed from some unwritten rule book instead of following my own gut feeling or instincts on a person. Instead of freaking out and trying to pressure something into happening, why do we not just let things unfold naturally in a serendipitous way?
Case in point my nameless friend. He went from gushing about being so into this girl to fear of commitment because instead of enjoying what was happening between them, and letting things unfold naturally, she projected this expectation on him of how she wanted things to be. It’s simple science, when you apply pressure to most things, they will break.
I discussed this with one of my girlfriends and she brought up a very spot on point. It used to be that people looked for qualities in people that complimented their own. Nowadays people are obsessed with finding their “soul mate” and in doing so, are critiquing the smallest and most minor of behavioral or physical defects as deal breakers. The idea is “if this was my soulmate, they wouldn’t do that”. Seriously? There is no such thing as perfection and even though everyone knows someone who knows someone who married someone they knew for two weeks and are still together 20 years later doesn’t mean that you need to expect or search for the same. If YOU feel good and happy spending time with someone, then fuck the rules, be your authentic self, and enjoy what you’ve got going. This so called “soul mate” you speak of will translate from spending time getting to know someone WELL, not after two weeks. As they say, “good things come to those who wait”, right?
So singles, go with the flow, get out of your own head and enjoy the here and now. You’ll never get to the future without paying attention to and enjoying the present 🙂