Submissive relationships

There’s an aspect of the dating world I was completely oblivious to until recently. It was bound to happen eventually with the amount of interaction I expose myself to daily.

I met an Italian massage therapist last weekend and the conversation was going well so we decided to move it to text. He was cute, established and seemed very normal online. We started chatting and he cut right to the chase, “what are you looking for?”, he asked, to which I replied “a relationship”. He told me that was what he was looking for too. Then he told me what he was looking for was a little less conventional than that of a normal relationship. I was intrigued and asked him what that meant.

Welcome to the world of submissive men. Female-led-relationships. I was about to step into the twilight zone.

“I’m looking for a relationship where the woman would be in control of everything. I would clean and cook, and take your shoes off at the door when you get home. I like to be yelled at and it would be nice if you demanded to see my phone everyday to make sure I was behaving myself. If I wasn’t cleaning to your liking, you could throw things at me and yell at me. That really turns me on”.

I was floored, I actually thought he was kidding at first! Wrong. I asked more questions to really understand this lifestyle he was after, or to detect sarcasm because I really didn’t know if he was serious. He was. There were several awkward silences on my end throughout our conversation, but the weird factor didn’t end just yet.

“So what made you realize that you liked this sort of thing?” I asked him.

“We’ll I’ve had normal relationships where I wasn’t able to truly be myself, and with my last girlfriend, I told her I was submissive about half way through our one year relationship. She liked it at first but then she broke it off because she needed someone more take-charge”.

Well no kidding.

I had to ask what his experience had been with this type of life up until now and I was amazed at how many people participated in his fantasy life. He told me he was a “mistress” to many women who were in relationships. It was non sexual, of course. Basically he would go to their homes when they were at work and clean for them and let them boss him around. He would even go as far as organizing their closets by color. Oh and have I mentioned the foot fetish yet? He told me in an ideal world, if I were to be his girlfriend, he would enjoy giving me a foot massage while I flirted with other men at the same time.

He said what!??? Seriously, this conversation actually happened.

“So do you think this is something you could do? Would you like to go for coffee?”

Oh I wanted more than coffee. I wanted to parachute out of this conversation with the same speed as jumping from an airplane.

“Umm, no I’m sorry, I don’t think this is for me at all. But I really hope you find what you are looking for.”

“Really? Are you sure?”

“Yes I’m sure, thanks.”

I got off the phone confused as hell. This is an actual thing in the world. People actually do this all the time. Kudos to them really, for going after what they want. It’s admirable however, this is the type of thing I come across all the time. I think my law of attraction is bizarre and weird.

I had to call someone, so I called my guy friend who is also going through the weird world of online dating. Firstly, he laughed at me “aww sweetie, you’ve never met a man with Mommy issues?” Nope, nope, I most certainly had not. Basically he explained that submissive men are the same product that stems from women with Daddy issues. They likely had a strict and demanding mother or lack thereof, and needed that replacement in their adult life. This is where I came in. I had just been targeted to be an Italian mother. I felt humorously violated.

And then just when I had gotten over my bizarre conversation hangover, I got this text:

“Are you sure I can’t just clean your house for you?”

“I’m sorry I like my men to be dominant, not submissive.”

“But I wouldn’t be your man, I would be your bitch.”

I politely told him again that I wasn’t interested, but that I hope he finds what he’s looking for, and that was the truth. I completely respect the fact that people have different preferences and are being honest about what they want, but when you cross paths with one and you want and are used to something conventional, it makes for a very bizarre and awkwardly hilarious conversation.

Seriously, does this shit only happen to me? So, I guess there are easily obtainable dates in this city, if you can open your mind, or your cleaning closet.

NEXT!!!

Pity party for one, please

Single people these days are like tortured artists. See my pain? See these scars? “Oh, I’m so sad and tortured, and you are going to pay for it with my grim reaper moods and my lack of confidence and trust, because someone before you made me this way”.

Heard this before? You’re not alone. The truth is, the older we get, the more experience we have in the world of dating and relationships. The problem is people don’t know how to separate the past from the present. Insert The Jaded Soldier.

The last relationship I had was short lived. I met him on Plenty of Fish. After a great start to our courtship, things took a turn when I started getting compared to the ex girlfriend. Lines like “I did that with my ex and it didn’t work” and “it really messed me up” were the start of an unavoidable downward spiral. Unfortunately this was after introducing him to my friends and family. Even though the relationship ended in a way he believed was completely not his fault, it was pretty apparent to me and those who witnessed the acts unfold that he wasn’t really truly ready for a relationship, but instead of taking some time off – and possibly seek some therapy for his rage about life – he let it out on me instead. Lucky me! Ha ha.

Wherever I go, I am always seeing and hearing stories about men hating women, and women hating men. Bitches are crazy, and men are stupid. Guess what? We ALL have a past, and if you’re single, chances are your past experiences sucked, and that’s why you’re on the market again. There’s an entire industry dedicated to help you through your resentment and pain, and they bill by the hour; they’re called SHRINKS! Seriously, get one if you’re not over it. A huge red flag that someone is not over someone, is when they constantly bring them up, whether negative or positive, it’s the reason why Mr. Baggage never got a date with me, because I know better from the way he talked about it.

Not everyone in your future is going to be like your past, unless you make it that way. If you carry the bricks from your previous relationships, you will keep building the same house. So, instead of dating, please make your pity party reservation for one, until you get the fuck over it.

Next!

 

Mr. Baggage

Sometimes my online interactions don’t actually lead to dates, but true to form they are sure to be sometimes bizarre and annoying experiences. I recently started chatting with a guy who came off initially as a sweet and established human being. He harbored but one major deal breaker for me. Meet Mr. Baggage.

When striking up initial conversations from online matches, and given my track record, I choose not to waste my time too much. I need to know the more pertinent facts before I meet you, otherwise we’re both wasting our time. I want to find someone to date not out of boredom, but because I seek what many singles my age seek; true companionship.

One of my primary questions is one that may seem a bit upfront, but trust me, it’s relevant information sometimes as I quickly learned with my luggage carrying suitor.

When was your last relationship?

This may not seem like a big deal, but sometimes the can of worms you open when asking this simple question is a sure sign of things to come. If the question is answered casually and maturely, it is usually a good sign that they’re over it. And then sometimes, you get several novel long text messages explaining the loathe me resentment they have for their ex. This guy didn’t need online dating, he needed therapy!

Firstly, his major complaint which completely turned me off was he said his ex girlfriend left him because he wanted sex too much. They had been together five years, lived together and were contemplating marriage. When I met him, he was almost three months out of this relationship. He had to sell his car to get his own place. I have to say, breakups are very difficult when you live with someone. Having to give up basic possessions because of it and you are adding fuel to the fire, and when the topic of debate is the issue of sex or lack thereof to a man, it has disaster written all over it.

I thought okay, maybe he needed to vent a little bit; totally understandable. Nope. This guy took venting to an entirely new level. Not only did I learn his sex life was severely lacking to the point someone needed to break up with him over his likely overbearing complaining, but he had also complained about the $65 a month he wasted for her to get her Brazilian waxes that he so obviously did not get to enjoy. And then after a good rant to an almost stranger (insert me) he would say things like “I’m so excited to meet you!” Talk about a buzz kill.

Now these are all completely legitimate levels of pain release and I get it, I really do. You got hurt, bro! But seriously, if I’m a potential candidate for your next relationship, spare me the gory details and save them for a closed room session with a shrink. You lay down on one of those nice leather couches and let those lips fly with haste! There is nothing more unattractive than someone who talks badly and incessantly about their past love.

I really do hope the best for this tortured soul but I had to tell him outright that the timing was just not right, and that’s the truth. He needs to sow his oats and spend some time grieving. In conclusion… NEXT!!

Part 2: The sleeper

Okay, so I wrote recently about a date I had gone on where my date actually dozed off in the middle of a restaurant so when he asked me out on a second date two weeks ago, I was a little surprised. I weighed the idea in my mind a bit before I decided hey, maybe the guy just had a bad first date and was a little tired/stoned and maybe I should give it another shot. First dates are always jittery anyways right?

So I started it off a little bit more casual this time. I told him we could meet at my place for drinks before hand and asked if he could bring by some beer. Normally, I would never invite a guy into my home so quickly, and I don’t recommend it but since he is related to one of my friends, I knew it would be safe.

He arrived a little late and we sat down to enjoy a cold beverage. As we were talking, he had this sort of lazy eye thing going on so I casually asked him, “did you smoke a joint before you came here?” to which he replied “yea” followed by a stoner laugh. I knew I had to get him out to the restaurant right away to liven up the setting.

We went to Cactus Club this time. When we arrived, one of my girlfriends who recently became a manager there was on shift. I haven’t seen her in a while so we had a brief little chat as we were being seated. We ordered a drink each and started browsing the menu. My date had a clear case of munchie confusion because I’ve never seen a man stare at a menu so intensely in my life. It took him longer to decide on a meal than it did for me to write this blog. Finally he decides and we order. While waiting for our food, my friend had a minute and stopped by for a chat. We were sitting at the bar and he was on my right, and my girlfriend was standing to my left. As we were chatting, another one of the male managers went up to my date and started chatting with him. He used to live in Burnaby so I assumed it was someone he knew. As my friend and I wrapped up our literal two minute quick catch up, I looked over and said “you guys know eachother?” to which the other manager replies “no, but we do now” and walked away. “What was that about?” I asked my date. “Oh, I guess I was falling asleep”.

Okay, so rewind. I turn my head for two minutes literally and the guy is bobble heading into his lager to the point that a MANAGER had to wake him up?? Is this guy for real?

At this point, I’ve decided there will absolutely be no third date, but for now, there will be shots. I proceed to load up on red dragons (151 and sour puss for those unfamiliar) simply to tolerate my disappointment. We go back to my place and he didn’t want to leave. Since I am way too fucking nice and polite, I decide to throw on an uber girly movie to turn him off: Step Up Revolution. I thought for sure he would not be into it and bail. Nope, I was wrong. So I start commenting on the movie and each time I looked over at him, he was, yup you guessed it, DOZING OFF ON MY COUCH!

Here’s how it played out:

Me: Did you want to go home. You seem a little tired.

Him: No, it’s fine I’m okay.

two minutes later… dozing off again…

Me: Are you sure you you don’t want to go home? I would totally understand.

Him: No, it’s okay I’ll be fine.

This happened THREE TIMES!!

Finally, I started texting my girlfriend who was on a little date of her own.

Me: This guy will not leave my house! He keeps falling asleep and he won’t leave!

Immediately my phone rang, and my friend on the spot created an elaborate escape for me. She told me she was stranded and needed a ride and didn’t have her keys or wallet. My date completely took the bait but not before several more awkward moments. I started getting faux ready to “leave” for Langley. I quickly realized he too, was waiting for me to leave. I got my purse, my keys and realized I was going to have to act this out the whole way. I walked him out to his car which was conveniently parked across from mine and got into my car and here’s the great part, I had to DRIVE AWAY! So here I am, driving around my neighbourhood like a complete weirdo waiting for the coast to be clear. I pulled into a nearby gas station and finally saw him driving towards the highway and so I went back home, cracked myself a cold beer to which he graciously donated, and scratched my head for about half an hour. Seriously, how does someone fall asleep on two dates in a row?

Needless to say, I have learned my lesson and if he asks me out again, I will politely tell him that I prefer my dates to be CONSCIOUS!

Bachelor #2: The “movie” code

Ladies and gentlemen, singles of Vancouver, I bring to you today, a very important lesson on dating code. In the past, I have been a bit naive, but I’m no fool to the polite way people try to maneuver their way into your pants with little to no effort.

I met bachelor #2 on a site called eVow, which is a sister site to Plenty of Fish as it seems they are looking to start a better reputation as not always being a hook up site. Evow is supposed to be a place where people who are serious about a long term future can go and meet people with the same goal. The user base is very limited in comparison to its parent site but I decided to try it out anyways.

I had started talking to this guy, let’s call him the Brazilian, and almost immediately he wanted to chat on the phone to get to know our compatibility better. The conversation went swimmingly and we planned a date. We kept it light; just drinks and met on a Thursday night after work. We had a ton in common and even worked in the same corporate industry.

After our date, we kept in touch. He had asked me if I wanted to hang out that same weekend and watch a movie. Having an open mind, I agreed and was looking forward to it. At the very last minute, he bailed and told me that he had forgotten about a family obligation he had that weekend. So I went on with my life.

I was surprised to hear from him the following week, and again he suggested I go to his place for a movie. It was going to be a really nice weekend and I really like to hike the beautiful Vancouver trails so I asked him if he might be interested in doing that instead, to which he immediately stopped replying to my text messages.

So lets recap. We’ve been on one date, he says he really likes me and thinks I’m great but he’s not interested in anything more than getting me on his couch to “watch a movie”. That’s code in my world for “I just want to bang you” and from a site called eVow, I was a little shocked. I discussed this topic with one of my male friends and he said the females were the same with this movie code. On one occasion, he met a girl online who wanted to “watch a movie”. Now, my friend is a really solid dude, so he didn’t think anything of it. The girl came over and they went out and rented a movie. When they got back to his place, they started watching the movie. Once she realized he actually genuinely just wanted to watch a movie, she got up and said “umm ya, this isn’t going to work, I have to leave”. He was really confused. He said he could tell she was thrown off by the reality of the agenda.

So what do you think? Am I being too harsh? At 28, I feel that we’ve evolved to being more creative with dating. The options of getting to know someone in a genuine way are limitless, and while in high school the watching a movie thing was totally acceptable and obvious on our part time job budgets, as adults I guess I have a higher expectation in the early dating stages of quality time with someone that doesn’t involve a piece of furniture and a blanket, and we all know that in a home setting when a movie plays, a blanket almost always comes out! Haha! And don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prude in any way but I feel more comfortable doing the home movie nights after the third date at least. Hell, if things go well up until that point, I might even cook you dinner too!

So another one bites the dust… And my film reel is still playing, but for now it just my monologue. *sigh*

Bachelor #1: The Sleeper

The key to online dating is to have an open mind and not rule out someone completely based on their looks. While attraction is important, a person’s persona combined with their appearance can make for a pleasant surprise! That being said, don’t stretch too far from what YOU like. Unfortunately, this is a cut throat market. You see, you read, and you either NEXT the profile in front of you, or you cast your line out. Don’t be offended by messages that you do not receive replies on, because you will absolutely be doing the same thing to someone else. There is no way to possibly keep up, or politely decline every advance you receive.

So I went out with Bachelor #1 a few weeks ago. He was very attractive on his profile (and was even better in person!) and gave a brief bio outlining the sports he played and what he likes to do for fun. Personally, I like the longer bio’s, it gives you a better glimpse of the personality, but I won’t rule out a little mystery!

The online dating stages typically start out with basic online messages, and soon you move those conversations over to text. *Disclaimer – beware for stage 5 clingers unless you are prepared to change your phone number! Once the texting is going well, you might exchange more photos’ (preferably not sextual ones) and then typically you schedule a date assuming you’re still interested. I scheduled mine for a Saturday night, at the Joeys near my place which has become a graveyard of first dates for me. The staff there has gotten to know my pattern so well that they have kicked up the service for me big time. On this particular date, they kept sending over yummy shooters in creation mode for their summer menu. We got to be the guinea pigs of some pretty tasty shooters, and drinks are a great icebreaker in my opinion! And hey, if it doesn’t work out, at least you get drunk! Ha ha.

Dinner was going very well. We were having great conversation, and I even learned that he is the cousin of a girlfriend of mine! Talk about a small world… and then it happened! He had told me before that he liked to smoke a little of the green stuff, which is totally fine, don’t get me wrong. I’ve done it, but I’m getting old now and I like my energy! Anyways, so here we are and we’re talking, and we’ve just finished eating now and I look across the table and the guy is BOBBLE HEAD snoozing right there, in a booth in the Joeys lounge. I did a quick “HEY!?” and he bobbed his head right back up and opened his eyes. We just kind of stared blankly at each other for a moment. One of us had to speak eventually right? We sat, we looked, he looked terribly embarrassed, and I, terribly confused. Was I boring?! As it turns out, I am in fact not boring, he just likes to smoke a lot more pot than he lead on. Needless to say, he picked up the cheque, I sent him off with a kiss on the cheek, and we kept in contact via text for about two weeks. He was persistent and really seemed really into me, but the reality was that he had just gotten out of a six year relationship and is wildly confused. There seems to be a large number of POF users who join as a quick fix reaction to their break-up. It’s like an ego booster; the “Yup, I’ve still got it!” kind of mentality.

All in all, I would rate this match a solid 3.5/10. While we got along very well, and were attracted to eachother, the timing was less than desirable, he’s confused (and sleepy apparently!) and I am more in tune with what I want, and don’t want because I took the time after my last long term to get over the resentment. I hope that he finds what he is looking for, and hopefully has a coffee in hand for when he finds it! Ha ha!

Next!

Putting your feet in the dating waters

Firstly, my dearest apologies for making you wait sooo long to report my juicy inside scoop on what I’m currently putting myself through in the Vancouver dating market. I’ve been studying for an exam and finally completed it! By the way, I passed!!! All the while I’ve been keeping on top of my eligible and not so eligible bachelors…

I started off on a small scale budget to expose myself to online dating. By small scale, I mean free.

Chapter 1: Plentyoffish.com

So, to start off, this is not my first time jumping into the shark infested waters of POF. My last boyfriend whom I split with in March (after a whopping two month long courtship) I met online and in summary, he was nothing as he portrayed himself to be. And my long term boyfriend before him that I was nearly engaged to two years ago was also baited on this site as well. I guess you could say I have had some “luck” in hooking some “fish” but clearly they did not lead to a success story or one of those cute TV commercials. Now, before you judge me, and the site, please note that I have also tried the pay dating sites as well, and I will discuss those in a later blog as well as test that avenue out again for your reading pleasures 🙂

I chose POF for a few reasons.

1) Extremely large user base – because this is a free site, there are many, many active profiles to “catalogue” search.

2) Message Preference Settings – this site makes it extremely easy to block out what you don’t want right from the get-go. Things such as people only looking for casual dating can be blocked out, people with children, or even people that have messaged other users for intimate encounters. *Bonus update to this is that POF released a statement recently confirming they will be disabling the intimate/casual encounters feature from the site!

3) Extremely user friendly smartphone app.

4) Free

So the initial few days of setting up my account, I was overwhelmed with messages. The best way to put it, is that online dating is simply a numbers game. It’s not exactly fate, or destiny, but I do believe there is solid hope in finding someone for you through a process of close examination, and elimination. There also seems to be an online dating “code” or some sort of “opening lines for dummies” forum I may be unaware of, because the initial messages can be not only pretty hokey, but I find myself receiving the same ones over and over from completely different men. Things like “You have really pretty eyes, wow, I’m a big fan of you now!” That was the constant.. “I’m a big fan of you now!” Hmm…

The typical online dating style, and my style of choice is laid out quite simply. I peruse the profiles, searching by various factors; locals, my matches, people who want to meet me, and users who have viewed me.

It is pretty amazing what people put in their profiles. It’s as of most people are either carrying baggage, still sowing their oats in their late twenties and early thirties – likely because of some unchecked baggage – and people looking for a non existent person of perfection, thus leading to more disappointment and possibly even further baggage. Don’t get me started on the male ab photos in the bathroom mirror…

Profile pictures are key, just as much as your profile content. You need to truly portray YOU in all of your glory. It’s sort of like writing a resume, only you should let your personal personality shine, rather than your professional one. I’ve had four dates so far… But rather than overwhelm you with a big long post, I will now begin my date by date reporting blog… Stay tuned !